a penny on a train track

I’m home today…feeling like crap with a fever and stomach bug. I’ve been sitting on my couch watching Top Design and then will be here watching Rachel Zoe Project, because I am addicted to it and I wish I could have her job. 

Speaking of jobs…I’ve been in a funk recently and I don’t know what its from. I’m tired of my job and I have not had any energy/motivation in it. Maybe its the season change? Or its just an internal sense of waiting? Waiting for something to happen…although I feel like I’m in a holding pattern, I also have to be taking action. I guess at this point I just have so many ideas about what I want, what I could be doing that I don’t even know what steps to take. Time will tell.

H has been very supportive and constantly tells me that whatever makes me happy and fulfilled I should do it. Its just figuring out what that something is. 

The other part of me wonders if this is normal? If I should just suck it up and continue in my job so that we can save money before starting a family. Or if I should just say screw it, I’m going to do _______?

I dunno. and I hate not knowing.

John Mayer’s Continuum: on shuffle repeat
Mad Men: OnDemand after work
Fitting into an old pair of jeans
Free food: namely chipotle
The fact that I have 58+ hours of comp time…vacation perhaps?
Vacation in 1 month

: )

Growing up in a small town/community, I’ve known most of my friends since childhood. Most have weaved in and out of my life at different times. I am blessed to know so many great people, but for me there still is no Best Friend. I say I have one, but in reality we’re not all that close. We never talk on the phone, don’t text, don’t even really go out together one on one. And you know what? I miss having that. I miss having a “person”. I have H, but its not the same.

I watch commercials, or read articles about making time for your girls and I always get a bit down when I realize; I don’t have that. And I don’t know how to get it.

There is someone who may quickly be filling that spot. We hang out a lot, and our husbands love each other. We’ll either do something involving all 4 of us, or split up for a while. She’s someone I could spend hours with and pretty much do whenever we hang out.

But then I start to worry. I don’t want this friendship to become like all the others, gradually fading away because of time and circumstance. It’s gonna take work, but to me it’s worth it.

Internets…or those few (if any) readers that may still “read” me.

I need some help in picking out a dress for a black tie wedding in NY. Oh yeah, did I mention its coming up in like a week?

And since its black tie I have no idea what is even standard protocol for such an event, much less some dresses to post as options.

That being said…if you have any ideas…any at all, I would be extremely grateful.

Kthxbai

I’m not sure if its the rain or what…but I have been out of it. Not entirely depressed, but feeling pretty darn close. All motivation to pretty much do anything but the basics is out the window. My exercise has decreased which then leads me to feel even worse. I wish I could pinpoint just what it is that I am dealing with and why I am. Its a constant vicious cycle…the problem is?? I’m not unhappy, in fact I am a very blessed and happy person..so its frustrating to feel this way…I just feel like something is “off” and its driving me crazy. 

I wish I could find my “on” switch

i have a love hate relationship with Chipotle. It is a constant craving, and yet…why oh why Chipotle burrito do you torment me by being the equivalent of my daily caloric intake?? ugh…not helpful for my weight loss goal. not helpful at all.

p.s. i really do love you chipotle, its just my thighs that hate you.

p.p.s i will be seeing you tomorrow for lunch. ; )

I’m back, after a super long absence and it feels good. I’ve been busy, mainly with spending time with H before he heads out for training. I’ve been so preoccupied with that; blogging has taken a far backburner for me right now. But, I always make sure to read about the rest of you out there, and comment when I can.

I wish I could write something eloquent right now, like so many of you that I look up to. To write my thoughts down and not only write them but fill them with emotion. I think, right now, I am supressing it, holding it back until the dam gives way and emotion is all I feel. But for now, I will be content. And I will make the most of the time I have with H. It has been blissful actually, the past month we have been spending together. We have been so aware of the time ticking away…fights, although still a reality, become so insignificant. Time spent with friends and family, has lessened to make more time for just the two of us. We sleep in on weekends, exercise, go on dates. Its relaxed but urgent.

I feel selfish during all this; knowing that the time we will be apart is so insignificant in comparison to those who sacrifice for us in war. Friends of mine whose husbands are thousands of miles away, in a foreign and dangerous country, away for at least a year. And us, apart for months. When I talk about it to others I stay perky and say “yeah, it’ll be fine, the time will fly by really.” But deep down I fear that it won’t fly by. The bed will be empty; sleep will not come easily. Nights out with friends, while fun, will be missing something: him.

And so, internets…you get to hear my inner musings. The poor me rant that I feel like I can’t tell anyone else. The part where I gush about how much I’m going to miss my other half as cheesy as it sounds. I am not a needy, codependent girl by any means (although I too constantly deal with the Crazy). These feelings come from a relationship in which two people love each other, respect each other and in which we truly are best friends.

And being away from my best friend is going to suck. Period.

So, after reading some blogs I noticed that delurking day recently passed. I have also noticed, after some investigation that my viewings are up. So, if you feel so inclined, I would love to hear from you all and learn more about you guys. Since I’m new at this whole blogging thing I need all the love I can get. : ) Come on people…boost my blogging ego!

Hope to hear from you soon!

I started this blog for many of the reasons that anyone starts a blog. To write…to write about my life, but more importantly to write about my feelings; about what makes me tick. That being said, I tell H pretty much everything…(except for the stupid mundane stuff about life which I know he is glad I don’t tell him), but I have not told him about the blog. AND, I’m not sure I’m going to. But, part of me feels like I should, like I’m keeping something important from him. The other part feels like its just another part of my “mundane” world that he wouldn’t even really care about anyway.

So my question to all of you out there is this: Should I tell him?

The next issue on my mind is about where I want to be in the next few years, both professionally and personally. I am a huge history snob…I was a history major in college and pretty much had “crushes” on my professors (I admit I am weird) who were soo incredibly knowledgeable in history that I could have sat on their classrooms for hours. I studied under some great people, and after graduating in May, part of me is glad to be done with school (mainly done with homework and tests), but a very large part of me misses it; and that part wants to go back to school and get my Masters, maybe my PhD and DO something with my life and my passion. Small kink: I actually love my job and it pays really well. It just has absolutely nothing to do with what I like.

I’m at a crossroads and I am completely indecisive at the moment. I will continue to wrestle with my thoughts and my desires. I just don’t know what should win out, logic or desire? comfort or dreams? We will see. It would be easier to decide if I felt strongly about either one, but I don’t and I think thats what frustrates me the most. There is very little that I feel “strongly” about. I become pretty comfortable pretty darn quick and I hate change a.k.a. rocking the boat. So it scares me.

Ultimately…what scares me most is fear of failure. Fear of not doing what I should be doing; what I’m meant to do. Fear of starting what I may love and discovering I suck at it, that I’m not driven enough.

Sometimes its easier to just not even think about it.

Since I’ve been absolutely horrible at keeping this blog up, and it’s almost already the middle of January, I have decided to do a 50 things post. These 50 things are goals/things I would like to accomplish by the end of the year in no particular order or level of importance. So….here goes:

1. Be a better wife (AKA: leave The Crazy at home)

2. Be more spontaneous: just pick up and go sometimes

3. Convince H to get us a lil puppy

4. Send more written birthday cards (not emails)

5. Send more Thank-You cards

6. Write “Thinking of you” notes to whomever, whenever

7. Write more in general (like, um..hi…on this blog!)

8. Brush up on my Italian

9. Exercise consistently

10. Lose 20 pounds

11. Become more disciplined (get better at following through on things)

12. Finish more projects

13. Paint pictures for our house

14. Learn to take better photos

15. Decorate more

16. Become more in tune with myself: things I like, things I want, who I want to be and who I am

17. Buy an awesome pair of jeans once I start to lose some weight

18. Preferably buy a pair of Citizens or Joes…because my butt is huge…suriously…”I look like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends…”

19. Discover more music

20. Watch less TV

21. Follow the news more (this is something I used to do and really miss)

22. Work hard with my Mary Kay business

23. Savor the time I spend with H

24. Stop taking H for granted

25. Be able to finally buy a bathing suit from Victoria’s Secret and look smokin’ in it.

26. Knit a scarf

27. Cook more

28. Host more parties

29. Bake for others

30. Randomly surprise people

31. Spend more time with my great-grandmother

32. Laugh and smile more

33. Keep up with old friends

34. Spend more time with my siblings

35. Interview my great-grandmother about her early years for Christmas project 2008

36. Stop making mountains out of molehills

37. Know when to back down or make an issue out of something

38. Learn family recipes

39. Become more financially knowledgeable

40. Take over paying the bills

41. Do laundry more often

42. Learn to be more organized

43. Clean around the house more often

44. Eat healthier

45. Eat smaller portions

46. Help others

47. Be more aware of waste, and care for the environment

48. Start a garden

49. Read more books 

50. Be more decisive

I’ll keep you posted on how these things go : )